Why?
I think it is because “becoming” is such a slow process that it’s been difficult for me to write about it. I am who I am, unique, yet knowing there is more deeply within. And so, the surface doesn’t need changing; it’s the inner workings that need changing, the roots. This kind of “becoming” takes a LONG time to process and change. I firmly believe that the best progress is a slow and careful process, like the skills needed to become a surgeon or a painter. One doesn’t just jump from crayon drawings to a beautiful oil painting. It takes time.
That’s not to say that there haven’t been some surface changes. I am exercising more, eating more nourishing food, avoiding sugar (well, except at Christmas), meditating every day and drinking more water. These are just not exactly what I had in my mind when I started the journal.
My roots are deeply imbedded in the Gaelic culture with ages and ages of mythology and stories, of cultural musts and must nots, angers, resentments, oppression, and aggression. So, I follow one root toward its source and find myself in a rabbit hole. Gasping, I have to turn around and scurry back to the beauty and fresh air of what I have come to know as “my life.”
I am gaining some wisdom in this process, it’s just that I don’t have the words to reveal what I’ve learned. And, so, I paint, not to sell, but to reveal to myself something bubbling up. Perhaps someday there will be another painting that others will understand.